What I Want This Year To Be For Me
Being away from home for the past 5 years in a place that surprised me in more ways than I expected really did quite a number on me. I suddenly had room to be myself only to realise that I didn't actually know who I really was. I discovered that most of my actions and thought processes were subtly influenced and at times subconsciously dictated by the people around me. I began to understand that my principles were not clear and most of the decisions I made were to fit expectations that everyone else had of me.
Reality struck and I understood I had no clear direction, no passion, no drive. My motivations were all rooted in maintaining the 'peace' around me. I was unconsciously killing bit and pieces of myself with every major decision and choice I made.The worst part of it was that I always willingly submitted myself to such situations. I am rarely courageous enough to take the road less traveled. To say no and be brave enough to venture into unknown, maybe unconventional territories (at least to me) that may or may not eventually work out.
You are probably thinking, you have no one to blame but yourself for feeling this way and for putting yourself in this situation. I completely agree. We often are told that we are the designers and engineers of our lives, that we write our own stories. I think many of us would agree that this is a lot easier said than done. I am still trying to and at 27 (still waiting to graduate), I feel that I am only starting to grasp of what it really takes to be responsible for your own life, to write your own story on no one else's terms but mine.
It is the fifth day of the new year and I have to say that I am excited for what I have planned for myself this coming year. I wouldn't say that I have clear resolutions that I would like to stick to; but I do have reminders and goals for myself. Goals that I will strive to achieve to grow as an individual that feels more at ease in her own skin. I want to look back at this post and know that I have grown to be a better person, physically, spiritually and mentally.
Starting this space is for me a step in that direction. I will look back at this post from time to time to remind myself that I cannot go back to unnecessary capitulating and to slowly find out who I am as a person. I want to be someone that's not only comfortable in her own skin but to also be less fearful. To be be more independent and unapologetic for my believes. To have clear principles that do not crumble under the pressures and ideas of others. I want to have a louder, clearer voice that is not only in my thoughts but also shared with the people around me.
The internet is a vast, expanding realm that holds this little space of my own. I intend to use it to grow and to be better. I am holding myself accountable for the life I lead and I will try my very best to be better than I was yesterday. With that said, I am stating the things that I want to achieve for myself in the near future right here in this post.
- I will grow this blog by posting a minimum of one post a week for the year of 2016. (This will be challenging.).
- I will maintain my fitness regime (which I only started last year) throughout the year and remind myself to not make excuses that will prevent me from doing so.
- I will start picking up Japanese and maybe Spanish because I think it's cool to be multilingual. :)
- I will start a personal design project that I hope will eventually lead to bigger things in the next two years.
- I will be more organised and disciplined with my life, habits and actions. (I can be really messy.. my room... LOL. :P )
- I will be a better sister to my siblings and a better daughter to my parents.
- I need to learn to say no, to be less fearful and to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I realised that there are many I(s) in this post and it may come off as being self-absorbed. However, I believe that a degree of selfishness is necessary to be a more well-rounded individual which i am sure will be beneficial to people around me as well. I don't know what my life will be like in the near future but I do know that change is inevitable and the constant betterment of oneself is a never-ending process. Therefore, understanding myself is necessary to not only survive in this world but more importantly to thrive and blossom to the fullest of my potential. I know that I have a lot to offer and I know the journey will be challenging. I am also excited at the prospect of things to come and the hope that the new year also brings new possibilities. I will remind myself to have the courage to step up and firmly grasp the opportunities that come my way and to not pander to demands that goes against my principles. I shall end this post with a quote from Dr. Steve Maraboli;
"Live courageously bold! Live in such a manner that at the end of this day, at the end of this year, at the end of this precious life, you can hold your head up high, smile, and be proud of a life well-lived."
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